Bad Day

Today has been pretty terrible for the most part. It started when I just couldn't work well in my spare. Unsual at the moment and quite annoying, but not the end of the world. Then at lunch I talked to my 'friend' with whom I'm been angry with for a while. I finally told her why I was mad. Instead of feeling better, she made me feel worse by using the techniques she always does. Stuff like almost crying, talking about how she 'didn't mean it' and claiming that I've done worse and reminding me that she's always been there for me. Pretty much, she turned me into the bad guy and herself into the victim. Which she does Every. Single. Time.

I came away from that feeling terrible. I had expected it to make me feel a lot better. Instead, I felt faced with 2 options: 1. Stop eating, or 2. Binge and purge. Fortunately neither happened and I got through the end of school and came home to eat a little bit of yoghurt and then get to work. Annoyingly, I can't work. And I'm blaming all of this. All I really want to do right now is to write my lit stuff, but thats seeming impossible.

It feels like I have to go back to her. Like she's left me with no other choice. And because I maintain a facade of being strong and don't burst into tears or take a razor to my arm at the drop of a hat anymore, she can't fully understand how much it hurt me. I don't want to go back to her. I'm happy being civil to her, being accquaintences, but I don't know if I can be her friend. But if I tell her that, all hell will go down.

And in addition to that, I now have no idea which of my friends I can trust anymore. I wasn't exactly secret when bitching about this, and I don't feel bad about that. I have every right to be open about the way I feel, its better than when I bottle it up in any case. But apparently people told her things that I said... now it feels like the only people I can trust anymore in my friendship group are Lian, and maybe Gen and Lilla.

I just want high-school to be over. it feels like all this crap will just go away and we can get on with the important things in life. I just want to work without being plauged by today. Is that really so much to ask for?