Been A While

So yeah, haven't posted for a while. Not that anybody really cares, I think Lian is the only person who ever reads this. Thing is, I haven't posted because life hasn't been bad. I mean, yeah, things haven't always been brilliant, and actually, some real shit has happened since I last wrote, but things always turned out ok.

I'm really just writing here now because I'm bored. I'm not good at bored. But I just realised what hell this term has been. Between school, Cloudstreet, drama ensemble, the eating thing, problems with friends and things to do with my relationship, this term has been insane. I can't say I liked it. It was hard. I did want to give up. But I somehow got through it and I'm still here today, it seems. Not quite sure how.

I am hoping term three is easier though. I'll take school, I can deal with school. And as a part of school, I'll start working on my drama exam solo, which will be hard and stressful, but I think I'll enjoy it so thats not too bad. I'm also open to minor problems with friends, because they're pretty unavoidable. While I'd like to say no issues in my relationship, I'd be an idiot to think that everything is going to go perfectly smoothly next term. Shit happens, you know? But I reckon everything that might happen will eventually be ok again. We're good at that, it seems.

So yeah, thats my thoughts. Boring, I know. Get over it.

Bored

So nothing really good or bad is happening. Its just a lazy day and I'm procrastinating on my homework. I now have about 1 1/2 essays to write. Fortunately I have all day, and after I finish these I'm allowing myself to watch an epic movie. And once my 5 hour rehearsal is over tomorrow, I shall see a movie and have awesome chocolate with my boyfriend and it shall be epic.

Yesterday was a bit weird. Good and bad elements. But, it ended and today is, well, today. Kinda wish I could go out and do something, but I can't. Ah well, nothing wrong with staying in occasionally. Dad was supposed to take me driving, but being Dad that backfired.

Turns out I'm actually really good at procrastinating. But I guess I have done a fair bit of the work I was supposed to today. And there is still ages, and if I can have it done before dinner (lasagna YAY!!!!!!!!!) then I can just relax with my ultra-violent movie afterwards :D

Bad Day

Today has been pretty terrible for the most part. It started when I just couldn't work well in my spare. Unsual at the moment and quite annoying, but not the end of the world. Then at lunch I talked to my 'friend' with whom I'm been angry with for a while. I finally told her why I was mad. Instead of feeling better, she made me feel worse by using the techniques she always does. Stuff like almost crying, talking about how she 'didn't mean it' and claiming that I've done worse and reminding me that she's always been there for me. Pretty much, she turned me into the bad guy and herself into the victim. Which she does Every. Single. Time.

I came away from that feeling terrible. I had expected it to make me feel a lot better. Instead, I felt faced with 2 options: 1. Stop eating, or 2. Binge and purge. Fortunately neither happened and I got through the end of school and came home to eat a little bit of yoghurt and then get to work. Annoyingly, I can't work. And I'm blaming all of this. All I really want to do right now is to write my lit stuff, but thats seeming impossible.

It feels like I have to go back to her. Like she's left me with no other choice. And because I maintain a facade of being strong and don't burst into tears or take a razor to my arm at the drop of a hat anymore, she can't fully understand how much it hurt me. I don't want to go back to her. I'm happy being civil to her, being accquaintences, but I don't know if I can be her friend. But if I tell her that, all hell will go down.

And in addition to that, I now have no idea which of my friends I can trust anymore. I wasn't exactly secret when bitching about this, and I don't feel bad about that. I have every right to be open about the way I feel, its better than when I bottle it up in any case. But apparently people told her things that I said... now it feels like the only people I can trust anymore in my friendship group are Lian, and maybe Gen and Lilla.

I just want high-school to be over. it feels like all this crap will just go away and we can get on with the important things in life. I just want to work without being plauged by today. Is that really so much to ask for?

Looking Up

Things are... getting better. Not totally better, but life is getting there. I've been really struggling with eating the past few days. Only eating a little bit of dinner and, today and yesterday I also had some fruit. Starving myself caused me to lose 4kg in just a few days. That really scares me. Only my boyfriend and best friend know about any of this. They have been absolutely amazing, I doubt I would have eaten that much without them. Really been feeling the physical effects, but unfortunately in that mindset its worth it.

But, with the help of Sam and Lian things are getting better. I plan on eating a bit more each day. Just healthy stuff, probably. I really, really, really miss chocolate, but the thought of putting back the weight I lost scares me. It sounds stupid, but I feel skinny now. I am hoping that by Thursday I can at least have a hot chocolate, and then on the weekend have something awesomeley and deliciously chocolatey. I'm not sure, but thats what I'm hoping for. I've been completely addicted to chocolate for years and the thought of having it in 'moderation' seems weird and kind of impossible, but I think if I can master that things will seem easier.

I guess all I can hope for is that life keeps looking up. With Sam and Lian I don't think they can really go down again. I think things are going to continue getting better. Maybe not quickly, but they will. Eventually, I will be better.

Not At School

I'm at home. This is annoying, I want to be at school. Unfortunately I only just gained the strength to push myself into a sitting position and even stand up. I'm not sick, just... weak. Not sleeping well, so I'll start taking the sleeping pills for that. I'm battling the anorexia again (its weird, I hate writing the word, and I haven't said it out loud yet) I almost didn't eat anything last night. Eventually forced myself to have some rice. I hated what I was doing, but I did it. Thinking that may be a contributing factor in why I feel so weak.

The 'not being at school' thing is so annoying because in a fortnight I have 4 SACs in 2 days :S I'll be ok for them providing I get organised, but I'd like to actually be at school to be finishing the work and stuff. I mean, doing my own study and getting notes from my friends is one thing, but actually being in class would be even more useful.

Definitely going to school tomorrow though. I'll eat some more tonight and take a sleeping pill. I can't afford to be missing all this school, not with all the SACs coming up. Now I don't know whether studying right now or not is a good thing, but it feels right so I'm going to do some. Because right now, School comes before Me.

This is an Odd Feeling

So its over. Cloudstreet is finally, finally over. I'm free. Its... unusual. Definitely not a bad thing, just a bit weird because I haven't been free for ages. Well, I'm not really free. I've still got school and everything, but I don't really mind everything else. I can do it. It doesn't eat me up inside and make me want to step into heavy traffic. I've finally got a handle on life.

Not that everything's perfect, I suppose. But things just feel easier. Granted, I'm scared that I'm once again approaching anorexia and I can't pull myself out, but without the weight that is Cloudstreet hanging over me, I know my boyfriend and best friend won't let me slip back into that. Even the depression isn't as bad. Its there, but its no where near as horrible as it was the past few weeks. Its nice.

So I've still got a lot of the feelings I had before, but there's just a sense that I can handle things now, or stuff that destroyed me then really isn't a huge deal now. Now I just need to study and have fun in between and try to ward off anything bad, and I reckon I can do that. With everyone around me, in particular Sam and Lian, I finally have some faith in my abilities to, well, Be.

Ah, I do enjoy this. Plus today I only had periods one and two (we made cookies) and then I came home to tidy my desk and sit down for some decent study, which I should be continuing now, and then I have drama in the evening which feels no where near as horrible as it usually does. I could get used to this. Just gotta hope the feeling stays around for a bit.

Sigh

You know that weird moment when you should be higher than ever and yet you're fighting back tears? Well, I had that very badly last night. It's still not completely gone. The annoying thing is, I can't tell anybody because it'd make me sound like a bitch. Or, well, the people I would tell just wouldn't get it.

Last night was performance number 3. Today is our last one. Its good and I love it and there is very little that can beat the thrill of being on stage, but I hate it and I just want it to end. No one else in the cast seems to get that, I absolutely cannot wait for tomorrow when it's all done.

Also, I'm supposed to be the actor in my group of friends, and I got a smallish part. One of my best friends, who has no previous acting experience, got a lead. This hurts a shitload more than I can say, and at the moment its a constant struggle to convince myself that I don't completely suck. Oh course, I can only reveal this to a few people without sounding like a complete bitch. You know what also hurts? The majority of my group didn't even realise I was in the bloody play until about a week ago. That stings.

Well... I guess that's all my bitching done. At least its finished tonight and things go back to normal, and tomorrow I can see my boyfriend, who, along with my best friend, is pretty much the only reason I've gotten through all of this. Because a lot of the time giving up seems a shitload easier. Including now.

Ah well, I'll live. I'm a better actor than everyone thinks, they all think I'm happy. Ha. If only they knew.